I'll Be Okay
by abbzeh
Summary: 'Sometimes, it's the 'not forgiving' that holds us back.' Kurt's point of view during the phone call with Blaine. Episode tag for 4x08, 'Thanksgiving'.


___Notes: This is the first time I've done any fanfiction and actually uploaded it in several months. Wow, scandalous. Yes, people who knew me last year, I have been ensnared by Glee. Or, more specifically, the adorableness that is Klaine. And since May, my feels have been hurt more times than they have been in the past sixteen years. Anyway, this was supposed to originally be part of the iTunes Drabble Meme on Tumblr, but it mutated into this, it's own one-shot. I suppose I could count this as practise, as making sure that I can still write fairly decently. I think I can. Hopefully._

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___Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best, __  
____Trying to make it work but man these times are hard.__  
____But we're gonna start by drinking cheap old bottles of wine,__  
____Sitting talking up all night,__  
____Saying things we haven't said for a while, a while yeah,__  
____We're smiling but we're close to tears,__  
____Even after all these years..._

___- For the First Time – Boyce Avenue cover_

Kurt leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest, as he stared out across the swarm of people in his apartment. He smiled slightly, chuckling under his breath as he watched one of Isabelle's friends trip over their own feet, and Kurt once again found his mind drifting back to summer, where Blaine had somehow managed to trip over his own feet and faceplant the floor.

He suddenly found himself thinking about Isabelle had said before, about how she found it easier to move on once apologies had been accepted, and he felt conflicted. On one hand, Kurt so desperately wanted to hold on to his anger, to the hurt brought in the wake of Blaine's cheating, but every day that he spent refusing to talk to Blaine, not hearing his voice, was slowly tearing a bigger hole in his heart.

And it ___hurt_, so goddamn much.

Mind suddenly made up for him, Kurt pushed away from the wall and quickly made his way to the window, climbing out of it and onto the fire escape outside. Sighing, he sat down and leaned against the railing, just staring out over the city, before reaching into his pocket and extracting his phone. The music from the party still distantly reaching his ears, Kurt scrolled through his contacts, finger hovered over the name of the one he both wanted to talk to more than anyone in the world, whilst simultaneously being the one he wanted to hate.

Closing his eyes and gulping down a huge breath to calm his erratic nerves, Kurt allowed his finger to touch the screen, and held the phone to his ear, waiting on baited breath.

He didn't have to wait long, maybe a few rings, before he heard ___that_ voice streaming through his phone and into his ear.

'___Hello_?'

Blaine sounded surprised. Kurt lifted his head slightly, running his free hand over his thigh unconsciously. 'Hey,' he replied nervously, having to raise his voice slightly in an attempt to be heard over the passing traffic. 'Can you hear me? It's kinda loud out here.'

'___Erm, yeah. Yeah, I can hear you__._'

'Have you guys performed yet?'

'___Erm, no, not yet__._ '

Kurt almost smiled at the sound of Blaine's voice.

'___Kurt, I just want you to know that no matter__ -_'

'Just let me talk for a second,' Kurt interrupted, almost feeling bad for it, but not quite. 'Look, you've said you're sorry a million times,' he swallowed impulsively, somehow finding a hidden reserve of strength to continue talking, 'and I believe you. And I'm trying to forgive you but...' Kurt tried to smile, but it flickered and died as soon as he tried, 'I'm just not there yet.' His voice had gotten choked up at the end, and Kurt knew he'd have to be quick to get this out before the water works turned itself on. He didn't really fancy being a sobbing mess over the phone.

'But it's Thanksgiving and it's Sectionals and...' Kurt paused to try and calm himself down, hearing his voice shake again. God, this was harder than he'd imagined it to be, but he continued on regardless. 'I miss you like crazy,' he admitted, smiling slightly. His voice was still shaking, but not quite as much. It hurt like hell, laying his soul on the table for all to see like that turkey on the table inside, but Kurt supposed it was like being ill - it could only get worse before any recovery could be made. And it was that frame of mind that allowed him to continue.

'And I can't stand not talking to you even though I'm mad at you.' Kurt smiled again as he leaned against the railing again and stared at the passing traffic. ''cause you're still my best friend.'

He heard a sharp inhalation on the other end of the line, like someone was trying to choke back tears. '___You're mine, too_ ,' Blaine replied, his voice sounding as choked up as Kurt's was.

Swallowing again to try and rid himself of the inconvenient lump that had formed in his throat in the duration of the past thirty seconds, Kurt sighed and got up from his makeshift seat before continuing.

'At Christmas, we - we need to have a mature heart-to-heart,' he said, his nerves deciding to make themselves known to him again at the thought of seeing Blaine again. 'And maybe if it's cold enough we can go ice-skating on the (___insert river name because I honestly can't tell which one it is_) River, and get a hot chocolate.' Again, he almost finds himself smiling. 'Anywhere but The Lima Bean because when I was working there I saw a mouse.'

He heard Blaine's laughter through the line, and it makes him smile wider than he has all night. Granted, not that much wider, considering it's still only half a smile that fades just as quickly as the rest of them, but still. Blaine still sounds choked up, still sounds like he's holding back tears, judging by the sound of it, but it's the happiest Kurt's heard Blaine sound since _that_ night.

'___So we're really gonna see each other Christmas_?'

Blaine sounded so hopeful, like a puppy, and ___God_ this hurt.

'Yeah,' Kurt confirmed, beginning to feel his eyes stinging, and he blinked rapidly to hold back the approaching flood. He searched around for something to say, not wanting the silence to fall into the zone classified as Uncomfortable. 'Well, don't let any of those hideous* Warblers win, alright?' And now, Kurt's smiling so that it can't even be mistaken for a grimace. It's actually recognisable as a smile. 'Break a leg. Happy Thanksgiving.'

When Blaine spoke again, Kurt could definitely tell that Blaine was seconds away from tears as well. He'd spent enough time around him to know his moods by voice. ' ___Happy Thanksgiving__._' There was a brief pause for breath, and Blaine spoke again, his voice quieter than before. '___Kurt, I love you so much__._'

It was that one sentence that made Kurt's eyes sting the most, and he felt the beginnings of a tear forming in his eye. Somehow, he managed to keep his voice steady as he said, 'I love you, too.' It was as though, out of all of the things he'd said over the course of the painful conversation, that was the one thing his subconsciousness was the most sure of.

As he began to take the phone away from his ear, he could hear the teary gasps coming from the other end. Swallowing again, he ended the call and began to walk back down towards his window. As he climbed through it, he was greeted by the music and the sounds of people partying, each unaware of his own inner turmoil that he was currently suffering through.

Kurt walked back towards the main area, keeping his eyes trained on the floor in front of him, chanting repeatedly in his head, ___don't cry don't cry don't cry__._ But he looked up and saw Isabelle walking towards him, her expression both knowing and sympathetic.

When she enveloped him in a hug, he hugged her back tightly, clinging to her like she was his anchor. Resting his chin on her shoulder, Kurt finally allowed the tears that had been building up to fall. Despite the serious blows that his heart had taken in the past few weeks - Blaine's cheating, the visit to McKinley, the conversation as he had looked out over a restless city - and despite the fact that he was still reeling from the pain, Kurt smiled properly. Not a half smile, not a mask, but a proper smile.

He wasn't okay yet. The splinter had only just been removed, and the pain was still there, but for the first time in a while, Kurt finally felt like he was beginning to heal.

_I'll be okay_.

_'____So, we're gonna be alright__?'_

_'____Yes, we're gonna be alright. I told you, I'm never saying goodbye to you__.'_

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___Note: I have no idea what Kurt said before 'Warblers' but it sounded like 'hideous' to me. And I apologise if I got any terms wrong. I'm English and I've never been to America. But meh._


End file.
